7 months ago, I didn’t know what I was hoping for. I didn’t really think I needed “fixing.” Somewhere behind a wall I’ve been building, repairing, strengthening, and expanding to protect myself from others was, and sometimes still, I’ve been hiding “me” from myself is the reality. What I thought I am is not what I am. My perception of how I present myself to the world is not, in fact, what is actually being presented. The work of the last seven months has helped me find ways to remove parts of that wall, find cracks to peek through, and the occasional ladder to get me over the top. What I’ve found on the other side is a collection of contradictions. I’ve liked to see myself as an easy-going, fun, thoughtful, go-getter. While some of this has been true, I’m coming to understand that some of it has been aspirational rather than actual. Instead of being easy-going, I’ve been a wound-up spring desperate for a break from the strain. Rather than being fully thoughtful, I’ve been thoughtful about work but give those closest to me only the most cursory of considerations. I am a go-getter, but while go-getting I’ve left more important things behind. And fun? Well, let’s face it, I AM FUN.

Through yoga practice, I’m learning (though certainly not a Master of Yoga or mindfulness) to be with my body rather than apart from it. I’m learning to, at least for 30-65 minutes, let the outside world go, so I can listen to myself and what my body is trying to tell me. Sometimes the outside world wins and is difficult to ignore. I’m learning that those moments, too, have something to teach me, but sometimes, and with increasing frequency, I achieve a moment of release that starts to bring a tear to my eye. (I assume it is akin to people crying during massages for no particular reason other than their body’s letting go of pent-up strain and stress.) Despite a relatively short time in this pursuit of mind and body flexibility, I feel physically and mentally looser and more capable. I’ve learned that while I avoid conflict, I’m always preparing for the fight. The anxiety, the tension, and the inflexibility that bracing for the fight brings has been such a compressive weight. I haven’t, and may never, fully roll with the punches. I may not always grab on to the positive and rather grapple with the negative, but I’m more aware of the possibility of building and finding benefit in the challenge. Knowing there is an option and recognizing the difference in how I prepare for the worst is a huge help in and of itself. While the enneagram and archetype studies haven’t directly provided clear insight or revelations, my sharing of them with my wife has been enlightening. “That doesn’t should like you at all.” can be frustrating and surprising, but it definitely sets the stage for personal reflection! Again, the recognition of aspiration versus reality can be informative. Then there are these little “moments”, day to day, that I’m able to let go of when in the past I thought I was letting them go. In truth, I was merely pushing them to the back of my mind where they continued to gain weight and size and resulted in stress and defensive postures, and maybe even a quiet anger. These “moments” affect me less than they once did. Not because I learned to not care and not because I have learned to ignore them, but because I’m getting better at recognizing them for what they are and, more importantly, how I respond to them. This awareness is helping ensure that I am consciously responding to them rather than letting my base instincts and unconscious habits take the path of least resistance, an unhealthy behavior to be sure. These moments of reflection create a sense of peace even when my conclusions are less than flattering and complementary. I’ve found myself being OK with those observations, seeing them for what they are: opportunities and openings for improvement. Working with and on my flaws and shortcomings rather than fighting, ignoring, or twisting my take on them to avoid acknowledging that I’m not perfect is tough and sometimes (always) exhausting, but I’m far better equipped to see the benefits of such efforts. It can be a STRUGGLE to find the desire to improve and a fight to actually try. I don’t always want to do it, but I can’t ignore the imperative to do so anymore which helps keep me going. As I’ve said in group, in exploring my vision, I’ve come to realize that in many ways, I am already living my best life in many ways. There is no shining city on the hill for me to climb up to. I’m already on the hill, living in the city, but I have been taking it for granted. My actual vision is to grow in appreciation of what I have and to recognize at a deeper level how incredibly lucky I am. This revelation frees me to embrace the Joker’s memorable line “Why so serious?” (but without the psychopathic drive to burn everything to the ground.) Is everything perfect? Have I learned everything I need to learn? Am I a great human being who always says the right thing? Noooooooo. Far from it. If anything, I’m learning how far I am from those things. The key is I’m not letting this knowledge get me down. I’m not wallowing in the darkness that such information can bring. Rather, I’m trying to acknowledge that I’m just like everyone else: flaws, foibles, scars, and failings. In trying to take the journey (a word I think is a little overused these days, if I’m honest) to heal, fix, and repair myself, not only am I making myself better, I’m seeing ways in which I can help embrace and lift others rather than trying to protect myself from them. I see myself in them rather than seeing someone I want to avoid. By helping myself, I help others. By helping others, I help myself. As we rapidly approach a holiday season associated with peace, hope, joy, and love, I find myself much more closely aligned with these virtues than ever before. I’m hesitant to quote the Bible, but this verse from Galatians 5, “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” reverberates through the woo-woo (or is it wu-wu) that we’ve explored over the last seven months. I still can’t say that I know what I want from “The Great Work,” and I don’t know what to expect going forward. But I know that I’m open to it and growing in the awareness of what and who I am which goes a long way toward peace and acceptance.

Cohort 5 TD